Peppered With Love

(My boyfriend is texting me while running errands after work.)

Boyfriend: “I got you a 12 pack of Dr. Pepper.”

Me: “That’s the most romantic thing you have ever said to me.”

Boyfriend: “Really? More than ‘I love you’ or ‘I want to marry you?’”

Me: “Yes. I’ll trade that for Dr. Pepper any day. I can’t drink your love.”

Boyfriend: “I Dr. Pepper you.”

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No Lengths He Won’t Go To

(We are cuddling in bed before falling asleep. I am 5’2” and my boyfriend is 6’1”, so it is often a topic for our jokes.)

Boyfriend: *putting his feet under my feet and his hand on my head* “All mine! My 5’2” of cuddles!”

Me: *stretching myself* “There! Now you have 5’3” of cuddles!”

Boyfriend: *sleepily* “Hmm, I could also cut you open and take out the intestines and spread them around in the bedroom… Then I’d have, like, 30 feet of cuddles!”

Me: “Erm… what?”

Boyfriend: “Oh, god, what did I just say?!”

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Of Corset Can Breathe

(My boyfriend and I are sitting on his couch so that we face each other. As we talk, I notice he keeps glancing down at my cleavage, which is pushed up by the corset I’m wearing over a low-cut lacy top.)

Me: *snapping my fingers in front of his face* “Hey, I was talking to you.”

Boyfriend: “I know but so were your breasts.”

(He suddenly lunges forward and tries in vain to shove my breasts down into the corset.)

Me: *laughing* “What on earth was that?”

Boyfriend: “Your breasts were crying out to me!” *he speaks in a high-pitched voice* “Help us! We’re being strangled!”

Me: *covering my face with both hands as I shake my head and laugh* “I can’t believe you just did that.”

Boyfriend: *reaches behind me and pulls at my corset laces* “I must save your breasts from suffocating!”

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Something New Under The Sun

Coworker: “Man, it’s such a beautiful day out today!”

Me: “No, it’s not.”

Coworker: “Yes, it is! The sun is gorgeous!”

Me: “The sun is evil.”

Coworker: “No, it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes, it is. The sun makes everything worse.”

Coworker: “You’re just saying that because you’re a vampire.”

(It is well known among my coworkers that I emphatically prefer nighttime to daytime.)

Me: “My love of the night not withstanding, the sun IS a bad thing. It makes the weather worse.”

Coworker: “Not today. It’s beautiful out.”

Me: “It’s bright, and ‘glarey.’ The sun is just blinding and abrasive and it makes the weather worse. You know how they say the sun is a big ball of fire in space? That’s BS. I want to meet the quack scientist who came up with that theory.”

Coworker: “What do you mean?”

Me: *singsong voice* “The sun isn’t some magic ball of fire that warms our planet and whose heat we couldn’t live without!” *end singsong* “I believe in the scientific process, so check this: In summer, when it’s hot and humid and you just want it to be cold, what does the sun do?”

Coworker: “It makes things hotter.”

Me: “Exactly. BUT what about in the winter? When it’s cold and freezing and you just want it to warm up. What does the sun do then?”

Coworker: “It… makes things warm?”

Me: “No. Think back, we just got hit by that polar vortex this winter. The warmest days were cloudy and rainy, because rain is good and moderates the temperature. The COLDEST days there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. Bright, shiny, glarey days that were easily colder than when a blizzard was coming through.”

Coworker: *tries to protest, but gets caught short as she thinks back and realizes this was true*

Me: “SO… in the winter, the sun just makes things even colder. The sun ISN’T some magic ball of life giving heat. The sun is the eye of a malevolent God. It gazes down upon us like a physical presence, weighing us down and making everything worse. It makes us cold in the winter, it makes us hot in the summer, it blinds us as we drive, and agitates the air around us making the air thicker and unpleasant.”

Coworker: *seems to want to argue the ‘eye of a malevolent god’ comment, but is still digesting that most of what I said reflects her experience*

Me: “And now you know. We’re only awake during the day because ‘everyone else is.’ Ignore the sun, revel in the night, don’t be another slave to the brilliance. You can thank me later.”

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No Monkey Business At My Wedding

(I’m getting married in May, and my very best friend is my maid-of-honor. We have a rather unique relationship which usually consists of death threats and professions of love. She is currently obsessed with wearing monkey slippers with her maid-of-honor gown at my wedding.)

Best Friend: “I just don’t see why I can’t wear monkey slippers down the aisle at your wedding. I think I should get to wear them!”

Me: “We’ve been through this before. NO MONKEY SLIPPERS!”

Best Friend: “We’ll see what happens.”

Me: “At this rate, you’re going down the aisle in a wheelchair.”

Best Friend: “What does my going down the aisle in a wheelchair have to do with my wearing monkey slippers?”

Me: “Because I’m going to break BOTH your feet, and then your monkey slippers won’t be able to FIT over your casts!”

Best Friend: *pauses*

Me: *pauses*

Best Friend: “Let’s just wait and see what happens.”

Me: “NO MONKEY SLIPPERS!”

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Creating The Perfect Girlfriend

(My partner and I are big fans of video games, especially those where you can customise your character. We also compliment each other quite often.)

Me: “Have I told you that you have really pretty eyebrows?”

Partner: “No? Thank you!”

Me: “Yes, very nice eyebrows. They have very cool shape. I would use them in character creator.”

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Come On Let’s Go And Slay

(My wife and I saw ‘Frozen,’ but got one of the songs so stuck in our heads that we’re not allowed to even allude to it now. We’ve just bought a car.)

Wife: “Look at all the storage space in here! You can open this and this and this… What do you think?”

Me: “That’s a lot of space!”

Wife: “Definitely!”

Me: *singing softly* “Will you help me hide a body?”

(She was angrier about being reminded of that song again than by my idea for the car’s use!)

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How To Train Your Imaginary Dragon

(I am sitting on the couch reading while my boyfriend does homework on the floor. He turns to me and begins telling me about mind theories.)

Boyfriend: “So, basically, believing is being. If you believe in something enough, it will happen.”

Me: *closing my eyes hard* “I BELIEVE… IN DRAGONS!”

(I open my eyes and look around. I sigh: no dragons in sight.)

Boyfriend: “You don’t believe enough.” *goes back to his homework like nothing happened*

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